I have a friend...

So I have this friend.  

The situation that she is in is driving me crazy.

I have known her a long time.  I have seen her go through things and be strong.  I have seen her laugh and be silly.  I have seen her grow and change and become more beautiful.  So it is hard for me to watch her be devalued.  Like any close friend,  I want what is best for her and I hope that writing about what is happening  helps put it all in perspective for her.

She is in love.  She has been for a long time.   That's a good thing and she says she is happy. She is very loyal and loves him much. She does many, many nice things for him large and small.

When I ask her about what is happening now she shrugs and says the man she loves is going through a difficult patch. That is all she says.  She just smiles and goes on.

I fear for her. I see her

eroding bit by bit and I wonder if she can go on inevitably this way.

I kind of wish that her man would read my blog and recognize himself and wonder if there is anything he could do differently. But that won't happen.

So it is what it is.  Every time she goes to work he gets upset that she has to speak to her coworkers.  He acts sort of jealous.  Throws a little fit about it with her.  Work for her is pretty stressful and his attitude is making it much harder for her to go there. I know she feels like he is making wildly inaccurate accusations.  It seems like he thinks these absolutely normal coworker conversations are some kind of betrayal of their relationship.

It amuses me somewhat.  She has shared with me that while she is at work he hangs out at his favourite haunts chatting up people for hours at a time. Even driven to play dates with other women and their children. That he has told her "tit for tat"  Guys look at you so I will look at whoever I want.   I realize that doesn't make sense.  That he is mad that guys look at her which is something she cannot control.  However, his response is something he surely can control. She has occasionally stood up for herself but it leads to more of the same.  Tragic.

This selfsame man: who claims to love her, says he won't give up "talking to his female friends".  Yet, he gets mad when she talks even to his friends unless it is a select few "that he trusts". He has no trust for her.  He expects her to trust him blindly with his coworkers, friends, people he meets in his work and online. He even wants absolute trust to go on vacation alone but heavens to Betsy she cannot even get things done at work. A five minute conversation for her at work can turn into hell at home for hours.

I know it is impairing her ability to go to her job. I know she cringes getting ready for work and expects the argument. I can say she has shared that the stress gets to her and she regularly cries herself to sleep.

I wish he would value her more.
To see what he will eventually lose if the attitude does not change.

For he will surely lose her income.  Eventually.  I am sure at some point it is going to become to difficult for her to put up with a tantrum every time she has to work.  If she doesn't freak out and get herself fired then she may decide it is easier to give notice and never leave the house.

Her personality will be the next to go.   The gradual erosion of who she is (was).  I remember a bright, funny and generous friend.  She is nearly afraid to speak now.  When she does she is quite often ignored, instantly argued with or just talked over.  It is sad really.  From time to time I have seen her begin to say something and looked forward to what it would be only to then see her interrupted.  Usually her man will start to argue with what he thought she was going to say.  Most sad of all.  He doesn't stop to wonder what she would have said if he had let her. 

I have even wondered at times how far she would go to end the pain and if we would lose her altogether. It is likely that this is overstepping my bounds and none of my business.  Oh well. It is hard to watch a friend get hurt when she has done nothing to deserve it.  She is becoming someone diminished. Someone timid.  Someone who now lacks confidence where she should have tons.

Someone I used to know but don't, really, anymore.

Am I a *itch?

I don't want a dog.  Apparently, everyone in the house wants one. But. I. Don't. Now, do not get me wrong.  I love dogs.  Seriously,  if you had a litter of puppies at your house and I really thought you were a jerk- I would still be tempted to visit. Dogs are great and the bigger the better.  Doesn't mean I want to own one.  They require time and a lot of space and I have very little of either.  Now, usually I just assent tacitly, okay, do what you want. This time that thought is cringe worthy which has left me wondering if I am turning into a *itch.

So I consulted askmen.com and found an article entitled "Top Ten Signs that she is a *itch".  According to the website there were some tell tale signs that I am sure do not apply to me:  bossing my man around and belittling him in public, flirting with other guys and being cold hearted and manipulative. The article also stresses that a *itch will slight you in bed. Laughable. Yep, could go a hundred million years and never worry about becoming that girl.

Of course, I did not get off scott free in the article.  It also states,  she expects to be treated like a queen.  Well, duh.  I am a woman.  To quote the article "She constantly expects car rides, gifts and attention from you".  Hmmm,  could be nice and I clearly wouldn't be opposed to a ride to the job that helps pay  the bills, or the occasional thoughtful gift or moment when it wasn't always about everybody else's life and their needs.   The website is not clear on whether any of these things has had to ever actually happen in order to make me an evil witch or if only my pipe dream that they might gives me the title.

Lastly, the most questionable subject of all comes up, when the story states that *itches are selfish and treat people like trash.  I am stumped.  This one is a conundrum for me.  Balance between my feelings and needs and those of others is a big fat red flag hot button issue.  I have had someone who should have known better say "Its always about you isn't it?"  Which would lead one to believe that I am a self centered fool.  Am I?

I can only say that I try.  Hard.  I spend the vast majority of my day doing things that need to be done or that others want to  do.  I stand back when I feel I am imposing or boring or just not fun to be around.  I look ahead to how my actions are going affect someone a week or a month or a year from now in addition to today.  I often deprive myself of things or sleep to provide or give to others.  I live biting my tongue because I know how defeating it is to hear complaint after complaint.  Personally, I do not see myself as selfish. I treat people pretty well. I just get uncomfortable because the feedback I get on the subject is so negative.  Perhaps my self view is hopelessly deluded.

Going on percentages, I pass the *itch test.  The bigger question is when faced with the problem that brought me to question myself what will I do?  Woof.  Freaking woof.