weltschmerz

So many, many things to do.


Do I even want to do them?  As July suddenly turned into October and I realized I haven't accomplished even half of what I set out to finish, I have to ask myself- what is holding me back?

 A lack of passion could be the cause.  Sure, I have a to do list ten miles long.  Its just that that list contains about 90 % items that interest me very little. The other ten percent interest me but I cannot justify the time and money or prioritize them over all the rest. If my list said go to Kenya, get a facial, drink on the beach, write a book, do some woodworking, take pictures and eat other people's cooking.....well, I'm sure that would be a snap.  Mine reads more like VCR instructions, it's boring, some of it scares me, but mostly, it puts me to sleep.

So I find myself squarely on the corner of Overbooked Street and Procrastination Ave.  Its one of those cagey spots.  I have never heard of anyone setting their GPS to get there but it is a crowded spot. Somehow, despite our late night intentions we all end up here sooner or later.

Social scientists tell us procrastinating is a result of a battle between our present self and our future self. Dreams goals and ambitions for our future self get quashed by the need for immediate gratification by our present self. Or something like that.  Like I want to be healthy at 60 says Future Me. I need to go for a walk.  Whoa! Hold up! Says Present me, There's a an Extreme Makeover Home Edition marathon this weekend and my house is full of Ranch flavored potato chips and Dr. Pepper! Ty Bennington needs me!

If they are right though, then we only put off our goals for petty immediate fun.  Life's not like that.  My procrastination involves the mundane.  I'm not dancing,  out taking breaks or eating chocolate covered jellybeans.  The not preprepping the 300 meals I could possibly preprep for my freezer, the avoidance of the 12 piles of varied paperwork I need to do, the putting off of future fun is not for hyjinks and shenanigans .The 240 tasks my kids ask me to do in a month that they will immediately forget and never appreciate. That fills some time. The arbitrary requirement work has about employees showing up.... that puts a kibosh on my to do list, too.

 I'm not out following my nirvana to put off all that mundane responsibility. The texts and emails my friends would love me to answer and in true white girl fashion "I just can't even". The constant reorganization of Tupperware and lids before my cupboards erupt in ultimate chaos.....I sidestep those things by working and fulfilling other's expectations,  mostly.

Boring, boring, boring. There's no future gain for me, no vision, no payoff.  Even if I check every box on my list I'm only going to have another list develop.  There's  no immediate frivolity in my avoidance- mostly because its time spent on paid work or housework. Or, often, other people's priorities. Obligations.  So I continue to ask myself. Is what I do any indication of my desires?  I am awash in ennui. Not quite apathy, but really nothing imminent to pull me forward. Prone on the rock marked "nothing to look forward to". Listless and unexcited.

I am sure some sensible person somewhere would tell me to just ball up the to do list....that it it is really just a list of things that aren't me, don't lead me where I want to go...so chuck them.  Would be great if life was that easy. If we could all just do what we wanted, when we wanted.  Ohhh, I'd love to have a good nights sleep!  Lofty goal!  Tell it to the neighbor yelling at his dog at 2am, the kid with the bad dream, or the sirens blaring by at the world's most unpredictable hours. The Stones said it best...You can't always get what you want (and yes, I sang that as I wrote it). Life's so very busy. You can't even plan what you want.

So my explanation for my hesitation and procrastination is different from the experts. I'm not immediately gratifying anything. #truth. Not even long term dreaming of a shred of what I want at all. If there's a me-too cake out there I couldn't find that bakery with a map and a bloodhound.

  So getting to the just do it, get 'er done stage, for me, is will. Mind over matter. I have to force myself through my tasks. Against my wishes.  Often in direct contradiction to who I want to be. Just to get it done.  Being my own buttkicker in true adulting form.

For despite me grating against it- stuff just needs to be done.  Most of the time, I'm the only one capable of doing it.  The required one. If I had business cards that would be my byline.

  It is the reason I drag my feet, grinding away slowly. Sometimes hating myself for this flaw in my character. Regrets internal, sighing at the reminders of what I would rather be doing.  My inner pouty kid is there, for reals, and she's even pretty whiney, but there's music to be turned up to drown that out and check marks to be gradually made in my tedious lists.



Or listen at https://anchor.fm/jayne-mcsherry/episodes/Weltzshmerz-eikebh/Weltshmerz-a31ic38

Boundless

Look at you, my sunshiney friend.

I think of you often.  You are here with me despite having left us nearly a decade ago.  I miss your laugh, your gentle chats about life and I miss the way you could spin a positive web around any situation.   I know you are never very far from me, even now.

Full of wonder, I try to understand what it is that set you apart.  Made you different.  Gave you the strength to be nothing but light in the world- despite hardship, setbacks, illness, loneliness and all the negativity life swirls around.  You truly were a burst of rainbows on a gloomy day.  In my completely unromanticized memories of our friendship you were comforting when you often could of used comfort, smiling despite worry and fear, and creating and building, without discouragement, even as others damaged and destroyed.

You had that magical thing.  The thing that allowed you to see every challenge as temporary.  Setbacks extraneous to your life. You filed them on the difficulty shelf, said pfft, dealt with them and they were over.  You seemed to know more than anyone that a single problem would not ruin you.  The blame game was not a part of you.  Any time trouble came calling you were this first to point out that it was temporary and send it back to whence it came.

You found delight in every good thing.  Tiny gains were celebrated with as much joy as a marathon's completion.  Good luck and blessings were evidence to you of much more coming.  Like a magnet for happiness, you fed on the laughter and joy. You let it permeate your whole person. You were forever reaching out when it would seem to be time to retreat.  You were inclusive and welcoming.  If I had to describe you to a person who didn't get to meet you I would say you were brave and enchanting.  A warrior for calm positivity.

Most days,  I feel you in my soul.  Your impact on me which started so young has lasted through young adulthood, growing children, a few years of separation while you were abroad, your illness and death, and the sudden passing of my baby and the love of my life.  You know, more than anyone, how I wish you were still here. How profound though, that your short life continues to make such an impact on me, your family, your friends, coworkers and all who knew you.

In no way do I think I could ever touch lives like you did, my friend.  You did help me, shape me and sugar my worldview.  Someday, I hope to be a little like you. It is impossible to be the quiet phenomenon that is you but even a little of you is the best thing the world can have, Susan.  You made every bit of life better.

Only Human

But A wise man once said once said that you should never believe a thing simply because you want to believe it....tyrion lannister, got, 2017

   For so long now I have believed that life is something that doesn't just happen to you.  That we make choices: our response to  circumstances determining as much of our happiness as the situation itself.

Yes, life is challenging. Often frustrating.  At times, life is actually baffling. It is easy to get lost asking why.  Why do things happen the way they often do? It would be so easy to tie myself up stewing over the facts: that death has touched me and those around me; that people are often petty and cruel; that adulthood is fairly thankless at times. There are many reasons why I, and likely everyone, could become bitter.

So, I look in the mirror and I ask myself: what do you want to believe? Some days it is harder to find an answer.  I believe I want to insert kindness into my day.  That there's more than enough of the negative.  That there has to be balance out there and I can give that. I believe despite the fears I stare down daily that it is going to be okay.

Its not easy.  It would be easy to say- I've been dealt a crappy hand of cards and I am just going throw them down and refuse to play.  There's no win in that. I could cling to that truth and be sad....and say, but its true!!!  I won't. I refuse.  Its the kind of truth that only leads to despair. I just don't have time for that.

I look inside and try to drum up a better truth to attach to my soul.  Not a greeting card platitude but a macro belief to guide me. So I look to the examples set by those wonderful people who grace my life. My friend Susan who always found a way to rejoice in her life. Her happiness was infectious.  Was her life perfect? No. She faced bullying, I witnessed that.  She overcame a bad marriage. She even found it in her to celebrate her emancipation from that.  She stared death in the face and still took time to spread joy in those around her.

My friend Ramona: also an inspiration.  She reminds me daily that life is a choice or series of choices. She has reshaped her career to reflect what she wants life to be. She has gone from being ground down and whittled away in the workplace to putting light into the world. Her work, as a life coach, now empowers so many others to choose to be the things the want to see in the world. She reminds me that the universe, if you ask for help, will work to put you in the place you need.

My children as well, who keep stepping forward to grasp any issue that is thrown their way, give me hope.  Whether it is illness, grief, the miserable bullies that we find, or just the daily challenges...work, homework, relationships, their direction in life.  Each one of them meets each obstacle with integrity.  They overcome and beat the odds at an alarming rate. It's comforting and fills me with wonder.

It would be very small of me to ignore the beauty of the people who have been given to me to love. If I was to say, it is just so hard, I can't continue, wouldn't I be a silly git? If I was to become jaded and throw up my hands and say, there's nothing I can do-that would be a lie.

So I choose. I choose to try. I choose to find a way to put aside my annoyances, my fears, my hurts. I choose to be welcoming, positive and gracious. Even when it hurts. Even when I would rather retreat. Even when I feel the deck is stacked and the odds unlikely.

 What do I choose to believe?  Nothing major. No giant world view. Just one small hope:  That I can step forward and try.