#tbh

I wonder why no one talks about loneliness.  Surely, I am not the only lonely person in the world. Yet, I haven't heard anyone or seen someone write about loneliness.

Except the Beatles, of course.

I have developed a new appreciation for the Beatles lately.   It seems to me that Eleanor Rigby was actually a groundbreaking song.  So brave. We do not talk about loneliness.  Its just so not cool.

We live in a world that pretends we are connected.  We have 645 friends on Facebook after all.  We post a photo on Instagram and get 100 likes in the first five minutes. Everyone loves you on Snapchat with your virtual ears.  Loneliness is thing of the past right?

In my experience, not so much.

Loneliness is real.  Very real.  It defines me.

Feels embarrassing just to type the word.  Perhaps that is why we never speak of it.

There must be people out there who can relate but honestly, I often feel like the most isolated person in all the world.  My husband, who was my person,  who understood me completely, has been gone for over two years.   It feels like a million years. My friends, some of whom are quite nice people, have shied away from my bad luck.  I almost never hear from any of them.  Sure, if I reach out with a message I will get a quick message back.  Even a promise to make plans......and that's about it.  A lick and a promise.

 So why is it so hard to admit that I am lonely?  Somehow,  it just seems daunting to say, " Hey,  here I am all alone and I am handling life...but I need someone."  Almost seems like I am admitting that I have failed as a person.  That somehow I am defective.  Otherwise, there would be countless people flocking to my company, right?  Certainly, saying that no one wants to be around me means there is something wrong with me, doesn't it?


It's  horrible to admit how often I have thought....jeez, if someone would just message me.  Or to put myself out there way, way beyond my comfort zone..... How I have yearned for one of my friends just to want to spend time with me, or to hold me,  or to let me into their real life.


Oh, it's ridiculous, I know, how many times I have reached out, to be met with silence or a prefunctory Hello.  Nothing else.  Just, a brief hello.

So I am sucking it up and being brave.  I am owning the reality that I am not just alone, but lonely. That if I was to take the facts as they stand:  that my cat is only entity who seems to feel I am a vital part of their life.( and I feed him).  That that fact makes me feel pathetic. That even though I am sure I am enough, that this all makes me feel that I am not even close to being enough.  That despite all I have to offer....I will most likely take that to my grave as some strange secret.

Seems that is my truth.  And it's ugly.

Scream Therapy

I wish you comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, Faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth and Love to complete your life.


In a world of hurt, I wrote out some scream therapy today.   Love scream therapy.  Pour the pain onto the page. No sharing. No arguments. Nobody sending virtual internet hugs. Just raw pain, pen to paper, out of my body, and gone.

No one to justify it to; just what is.

At one time, this would have been translated into true scream therapy. Thoughts privately screamed to the wind.  Very cathartic. Circumstances though find me not so rural and not so mobile.  A scream session in even the most private place I could reach right now would likely end with strangers calling 911.  So here I am.

So today in my stream of consciousness free write I found myself writing a list of People I Do Not Trust. Wow, who knew?
This list, for various reasons, seems rather long and it doesn't even include the obvious-rabid exes and randoms who are hateful from day one.

The people on this list go from my run of the mill generic selfish manipulative acquaintances to others I genuinely believed were friends who cut me so deep it feels like internal bleeding.  Constant emotional gushers.

Some, just lie so regularly it is impossible to give them the benefit of the doubt.

A few, who despite a bright facade, continue to prove themselves downright, junkyard dog, mean. I would hate to live in their heads.

This list started getting out of hand when I decided to add anyone who had said "If there's anything I can do..."and then disappeared when asked. I didn't even include the ones with excuses, just the ones who when asked, appeared to have been suddenly beamed up to the Starship Enterprise by Captain Kirk and taken to a galaxy far, far away.

Even with those parameters that list grew: Thanks guys. Really. Feel real chuffed at those empty offers of assistance you put out there.

A few I threw on there because  they hang with some sketchy cruel people. Guilty by association.  Maybe not fair. At this point, I was feeling a little self protective.

So to be balanced, I needed to throw in ten or so people who have made plans with me this year, at their insistence, then canceled, then ghosted me. For reals, invisibility suddenly has become my  SuperPower.  My number mysteriously disappears from cells citywide when my SuperFriends cancel plans. One big 'Poof' and the we've got to get together gang is gone! Kinda pathological.  Although I am sure someone out there is scratching their head saying, But I made the 'effort' do I have to take away my gold star?

It got serious writing about two friends specifically. Who this year stood eye to eye with me. Made promises. Nearly immediately turned around and did the exact opposite.  (Aside: you can pick up your ninja knives anytime if you wanna grab 'em from my back).

Just tell me, what was your endgame here? Break me down? Hurt me? Spirit crushing a cool new sport?

Fail. Epically proportioned.

Way too easy to take someone who has had stress after stress and find a way to exploit it. Kind of like winning chess with a toddler so be proud. Maybe you two just find this shit funny? Well, Bless your Hearts!

I will never understand how easy this was for you. I will be angry with myself forever for believing even for a minute that you were forthright, transparent basically good people and somehow miraculously by my side.

Bad Jayne!  *smacks self in nose with newspaper*
Should have known and run.

Yepp. It turned into a reckoning. Shocking even to me. This pile of jokes is decidedly unfunny. Time to get real. Time to cherish the real.

So to the real; and you know who you are- Thank You. You Amazing Fun Positive Truthful Buttkicking Hellions who have let me have your back and steadfastly stood with me.

Its time for us who deserve some light and each other.

Time to resolve not to waste another moment on ridiculous ignorance, bad intentions, users, pot stirrers and hollow promises.

Time is precious.

Thank you to my peeps who do not fritter it away.

Boundless

Look at you, my sunshiney friend.

I think of you often.  You are here with me despite having left us nearly a decade ago.  I miss your laugh, your gentle chats about life and I miss the way you could spin a positive web around any situation.   I know you are never very far from me, even now.

Full of wonder, I try to understand what it is that set you apart.  Made you different.  Gave you the strength to be nothing but light in the world- despite hardship, setbacks, illness, loneliness and all the negativity life swirls around.  You truly were a burst of rainbows on a gloomy day.  In my completely unromanticized memories of our friendship you were comforting when you often could of used comfort, smiling despite worry and fear, and creating and building, without discouragement, even as others damaged and destroyed.

You had that magical thing.  The thing that allowed you to see every challenge as temporary.  Setbacks extraneous to your life. You filed them on the difficulty shelf, said pfft, dealt with them and they were over.  You seemed to know more than anyone that a single problem would not ruin you.  The blame game was not a part of you.  Any time trouble came calling you were this first to point out that it was temporary and send it back to whence it came.

You found delight in every good thing.  Tiny gains were celebrated with as much joy as a marathon's completion.  Good luck and blessings were evidence to you of much more coming.  Like a magnet for happiness, you fed on the laughter and joy. You let it permeate your whole person. You were forever reaching out when it would seem to be time to retreat.  You were inclusive and welcoming.  If I had to describe you to a person who didn't get to meet you I would say you were brave and enchanting.  A warrior for calm positivity.

Most days,  I feel you in my soul.  Your impact on me which started so young has lasted through young adulthood, growing children, a few years of separation while you were abroad, your illness and death, and the sudden passing of my baby and the love of my life.  You know, more than anyone, how I wish you were still here. How profound though, that your short life continues to make such an impact on me, your family, your friends, coworkers and all who knew you.

In no way do I think I could ever touch lives like you did, my friend.  You did help me, shape me and sugar my worldview.  Someday, I hope to be a little like you. It is impossible to be the quiet phenomenon that is you but even a little of you is the best thing the world can have, Susan.  You made every bit of life better.