Scream Therapy

I wish you comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, Faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth and Love to complete your life.


In a world of hurt, I wrote out some scream therapy today.   Love scream therapy.  Pour the pain onto the page. No sharing. No arguments. Nobody sending virtual internet hugs. Just raw pain, pen to paper, out of my body, and gone.

No one to justify it to; just what is.

At one time, this would have been translated into true scream therapy. Thoughts privately screamed to the wind.  Very cathartic. Circumstances though find me not so rural and not so mobile.  A scream session in even the most private place I could reach right now would likely end with strangers calling 911.  So here I am.

So today in my stream of consciousness free write I found myself writing a list of People I Do Not Trust. Wow, who knew?
This list, for various reasons, seems rather long and it doesn't even include the obvious-rabid exes and randoms who are hateful from day one.

The people on this list go from my run of the mill generic selfish manipulative acquaintances to others I genuinely believed were friends who cut me so deep it feels like internal bleeding.  Constant emotional gushers.

Some, just lie so regularly it is impossible to give them the benefit of the doubt.

A few, who despite a bright facade, continue to prove themselves downright, junkyard dog, mean. I would hate to live in their heads.

This list started getting out of hand when I decided to add anyone who had said "If there's anything I can do..."and then disappeared when asked. I didn't even include the ones with excuses, just the ones who when asked, appeared to have been suddenly beamed up to the Starship Enterprise by Captain Kirk and taken to a galaxy far, far away.

Even with those parameters that list grew: Thanks guys. Really. Feel real chuffed at those empty offers of assistance you put out there.

A few I threw on there because  they hang with some sketchy cruel people. Guilty by association.  Maybe not fair. At this point, I was feeling a little self protective.

So to be balanced, I needed to throw in ten or so people who have made plans with me this year, at their insistence, then canceled, then ghosted me. For reals, invisibility suddenly has become my  SuperPower.  My number mysteriously disappears from cells citywide when my SuperFriends cancel plans. One big 'Poof' and the we've got to get together gang is gone! Kinda pathological.  Although I am sure someone out there is scratching their head saying, But I made the 'effort' do I have to take away my gold star?

It got serious writing about two friends specifically. Who this year stood eye to eye with me. Made promises. Nearly immediately turned around and did the exact opposite.  (Aside: you can pick up your ninja knives anytime if you wanna grab 'em from my back).

Just tell me, what was your endgame here? Break me down? Hurt me? Spirit crushing a cool new sport?

Fail. Epically proportioned.

Way too easy to take someone who has had stress after stress and find a way to exploit it. Kind of like winning chess with a toddler so be proud. Maybe you two just find this shit funny? Well, Bless your Hearts!

I will never understand how easy this was for you. I will be angry with myself forever for believing even for a minute that you were forthright, transparent basically good people and somehow miraculously by my side.

Bad Jayne!  *smacks self in nose with newspaper*
Should have known and run.

Yepp. It turned into a reckoning. Shocking even to me. This pile of jokes is decidedly unfunny. Time to get real. Time to cherish the real.

So to the real; and you know who you are- Thank You. You Amazing Fun Positive Truthful Buttkicking Hellions who have let me have your back and steadfastly stood with me.

Its time for us who deserve some light and each other.

Time to resolve not to waste another moment on ridiculous ignorance, bad intentions, users, pot stirrers and hollow promises.

Time is precious.

Thank you to my peeps who do not fritter it away.

Only Human

But A wise man once said once said that you should never believe a thing simply because you want to believe it....tyrion lannister, got, 2017

   For so long now I have believed that life is something that doesn't just happen to you.  That we make choices: our response to  circumstances determining as much of our happiness as the situation itself.

Yes, life is challenging. Often frustrating.  At times, life is actually baffling. It is easy to get lost asking why.  Why do things happen the way they often do? It would be so easy to tie myself up stewing over the facts: that death has touched me and those around me; that people are often petty and cruel; that adulthood is fairly thankless at times. There are many reasons why I, and likely everyone, could become bitter.

So, I look in the mirror and I ask myself: what do you want to believe? Some days it is harder to find an answer.  I believe I want to insert kindness into my day.  That there's more than enough of the negative.  That there has to be balance out there and I can give that. I believe despite the fears I stare down daily that it is going to be okay.

Its not easy.  It would be easy to say- I've been dealt a crappy hand of cards and I am just going throw them down and refuse to play.  There's no win in that. I could cling to that truth and be sad....and say, but its true!!!  I won't. I refuse.  Its the kind of truth that only leads to despair. I just don't have time for that.

I look inside and try to drum up a better truth to attach to my soul.  Not a greeting card platitude but a macro belief to guide me. So I look to the examples set by those wonderful people who grace my life. My friend Susan who always found a way to rejoice in her life. Her happiness was infectious.  Was her life perfect? No. She faced bullying, I witnessed that.  She overcame a bad marriage. She even found it in her to celebrate her emancipation from that.  She stared death in the face and still took time to spread joy in those around her.

My friend Ramona: also an inspiration.  She reminds me daily that life is a choice or series of choices. She has reshaped her career to reflect what she wants life to be. She has gone from being ground down and whittled away in the workplace to putting light into the world. Her work, as a life coach, now empowers so many others to choose to be the things the want to see in the world. She reminds me that the universe, if you ask for help, will work to put you in the place you need.

My children as well, who keep stepping forward to grasp any issue that is thrown their way, give me hope.  Whether it is illness, grief, the miserable bullies that we find, or just the daily challenges...work, homework, relationships, their direction in life.  Each one of them meets each obstacle with integrity.  They overcome and beat the odds at an alarming rate. It's comforting and fills me with wonder.

It would be very small of me to ignore the beauty of the people who have been given to me to love. If I was to say, it is just so hard, I can't continue, wouldn't I be a silly git? If I was to become jaded and throw up my hands and say, there's nothing I can do-that would be a lie.

So I choose. I choose to try. I choose to find a way to put aside my annoyances, my fears, my hurts. I choose to be welcoming, positive and gracious. Even when it hurts. Even when I would rather retreat. Even when I feel the deck is stacked and the odds unlikely.

 What do I choose to believe?  Nothing major. No giant world view. Just one small hope:  That I can step forward and try.