We do not talk about it. Suicidal thoughts. In sad reality we talk about TV shows, news reports or third person what ifs but we don’t talk about our own experiences. If we mention someone ending their own life: we whisper. There is a lot of fear in words we feel we must whisper.
Its taboo. Most rational adults know that even a simple reference to the darkest thoughts one can have leads to consequences, judgements, overreaction. Will my spouse respect me? My friends be overly concerned? My doctor lock me up? My boss stop trusting me?
It's controversial. Suicide itself was still illegal in Canada in 1972. Try it and you’ll be locked up if you fail. Many religions prohibit self harm. All major world religions prohibit suicide. Catholic rhetoric was that those who took their own life went to purgatory and not heaven. Some Fundamentalists still believe it damns you to hell. Jews don’t condone it. Jewish suicides are buried in a separate portion of the cemetary and denied some burial traditions. Hindus believe it violates the idea of nonviolence. Muslim teachings say " The Prophet said, “He who commits suicide by throttling shall keep on throttling himself in the Hell Fire (forever) and he who commits suicide by stabbing himself shall keep on stabbing himself in the Hell-Fire.” It is considered a form of murder and a grave sin by all these religions: the murder of one's self as wrong as taking another life. Socially it has been called selfish, crazy or cowardice. Centuries of judgement and concrete thinking that taking your life by your own hand is just plain selfish, wrong, and evil. Even now, you’ll find this attitude without searching too far.
Times have changed though right? We talk about it now don’t we? Perhaps, we talk about 13 reasons why or Rehteah Parsons…..or how tragic it is when someone we know commits suicide. However, when we do talk about it now-unless the conversation turns to euthanasia- it is immediately labelled a mental health issue.
I find that thinking demeaning and outdated.
Suicidal thoughts, on their own, do not necessarily indicate a mental health problem. In fact, they can be part of a persons coping mechanism and a sign of a very healthy mind.
Dwelling and obsessing about suicide or committing suicide are quite different from having the occasional suicidal ideation.
Yet, if a person you loved or you were responsible for mentioned the idea of suicide….Would you react judgementally, immediately try to “talk them out of it”? I think that way of reacting is assumptive. It is hardly a rational response but a visceral one. A giant oh no! akin to stomping your feet…..and just as effective.
Speaking personally my friend Heather could tell you that the poster in my highschool locker read in lovely script “vaguely suicidal”. Even at the time she said that her Dad, a doctor, would have been royally irritated to know she made that for me. It was, however, my truth at the time. Did I kill myself? No. Was it attention seeking, no: It was deep in my locker for me and no one else. Only Heather knew I had it. Why was it there? Well, life was pretty crappy and in my mind at least, the thought that I could escape it was comforting. The idea that though there was nothing under my control I could still decide whether to be. Was I crazy? Nope. Would those in charge have ordered counseling if they had seen it? Yupp. Most likely outcome. Did I need a therapist? Nope.
Like I said….having the thought if this does not change I could do that….is not always unhealthy. It does not mean I was in some immediate danger of harming myself. In fact_ that visual reminder was an outlet, a vent, a way help myself overcome the difficulties that stood in my way. All was not lost because I felt I had a choice. But I still could not speak to anyone about that. I knew that meant at very least a swift trip to the school psychologist and quite possibly a mind altering prescription.
I am in no way minimizing mental health or the tragedy of suicide. When my friend Tony killed himself I was devasted . He was full of life and had a bright future. He in no way ever indicated depression or spoke of ending his life. That’s the key- he never spoke of it. Why didnt he?
Perhaps he was not interested in hearing platitudes and reasons why he shouldn't. Or didnt want his life disrupted or to see that godawful head tilt people do when they feel sorry for you. Maybe he thought his parents would yell. I'll never know but I do know for sure he did not have what you would call mental health issues, he was not unhappy, bullied or selfish. I do know he discussed his plans with no one. I have known two others who also did not speak of it. All three took their own lives. It might be anecdotal evidence but in my world each one of them shared a silence about their inner thoughts and feelings. Two of them you would describe, if you had known them, as having perfect lives. Perhaps that is why, like most of us, they felt they couldn't share their darkness. Scared of shattering the perfectly happy, lovely person, responsible child myth.
We need to speak. This is something we need to let people say without our fear, judgment, invasive concern, efforts to "fix" them, labelling or social stigma. Listening without silencing them.
I think if honesty was highly prized in society many more of us would cop to our darkest feelings. If we had no fear of reprisal we would speak of our own despairs large and small. We are sometimes, just too content with whatever the common way of looking at a situation happens to be. We have to learn to let people talk despite our discomfort. We need to listen and learn instead of talking about and judging. In my mind at least, we must question the way we look at whispered words.
