A Message to My Younger Self

I'm taking a good look at this girl right here.  My sweet friend Mary found this picture today and sent it to me.  What a strange feeling it is to look at my sixteen year old self, smiling and chubby looking back at me from my computer..  

I almost do not recognize this girl even though I know that blue dress and the silly shell necklace.  I remember trying to get those bangs to sit straight.  Brushing that hair forever and being frustrated when this picture came home on seeing that it did not look brushed enough at all.  That happy smile.  

I know it was practised over and over until the mouth was in just the right position.  A practice session complete with a hand mirror.  A trick I had learned in drama class.

Yes,  in my un-wild youth,I did homework for everything including picture day. This girl in the photo is just that serious.  She wants to get it all right.  She gets mad at herself if it is not right the first time. Criticism from anywhere can send her out to do research. A harsh word from a teacher, friend or sibling sent her to  the library self improvement section way too often.

I look at her and have an awful lot to say:


Girl!  You look 40.  What is up with the plain dress matching tights and wanna be pearls? Your friends are currently rocking Duran Duran hair,  Madonna bows and petticoats, or jeans and unmatched socks.  You are here channeling Maime Eisenhower.  You do not have to be grown and professional yet.  Middle age will be here quickly enough.

Hun-ney,  it is okay not to know. You will realize there are things you will never know.  I get that others sometimes lead you to believe that you should know more now; that you should have known some of what you do not. It is not a race.  You will get it when you get there. Some lessons you just have not had yet. It does not mean you are less than.

Sweetheart, you are enough.  Right here halfway through your teens. You have been enough your whole life and will continue to be.  There would be no tragedy if you dropped half of the things you doing right now only for the approval you so desperately seek. Do not believe anyone who makes you feel otherwise.

My Darling Girl, slow down.  It is not necessary to read Mein Kampf, Of Human Bondage and Jane Eyre in the same week.  The classics will be there tomorrow. Now is the time to learn to  play or I am afraid you never will. Stop worrying about the B's. Real life successful happy adults are out here and some of them even disappointed their parents and teachers once in awhile.  

Baby the future will still be there.  Take note of that breathless rush you are feeling.  Stop listening to that mentor that warned that others would run ahead of you. Let them. It does not matter at all.  That constant worry of  what shall I do about school, career, relationships....  Stop.  Take a deep breath.  Learn to relax.  Teach yourself to relax until you can let this go for an hour, then an afternoon, and then a day.  They might forget to tell you that all those things will still be out there waiting.  

Now seriously, Cutie,  go have fun.  

Eden

Quarter past five.  Deep in the most private part of your soul you smile.  Your heart knows that anything useful you have been inclined to do at work today is done.  There is only one persistent drive left in you today.  The drive to punch out, say a pleasant goodbye and rush home.

The travel time is not enjoyable but  worth it.  In twenty minutes your key turns in the lock.  It is an amazing sound that key makes.  You open the door and are greeted with open affection.  You set down your bag and spend the next 40 minutes hearing amazing stories.  "Do you know what ?  Manda was in art and she was laughing 'cause Issac burped and it was soooooo funny, and the teacher said "That is enough" and we tr-i-e-d not to laugh but we couldn't and Manda had milk come out her nose!"   I bet that was pretty funny. "And guess what else, we only have four more days of school, and then next year, we might get this teacher and he's a really nice teacher, and if we get him he  has ipods in his class and if we get him, know what else?  We get to use them when we are done our stuff and I really, really really hope I get him."  That just might happen, kiddo.  I am pretty glad that you are already excited about next year.

You smile inside and it hits you.  There has not been one single development at work today that can hold a candle to the conversation you just had.  This moment right here was the most important meeting on your schedule.   So, you make dinner and check for homework while your gorgeous husband shows the munchkin how much the cucumber plant has grown.  You thank your lucky stars that he is home tonight with you. It means  there may just be a long walk in the country or a drive out to the lake for all of you, together.  You hear them giggle.  It is not the kind of giggle you hear at work where you wonder; What has happened now?   Just innocent bell-like laughter and with it the tension in your neck begins to melt away.

It is good to be home.  It is magical.

Glowing Earth

It is full of this indefinable thing we choose to call love.  A sometimes chaotic fusion of baking, WII games, guinea pigs and back rubs. Of wall hangings handmade just because He thinks you might like them. A quick nibble on the back of your neck while you fold socks. Snapshots and portraits and preschool art frames glimmering in the background.  A list of chores of  Sisyphean proportion to keep it all running in some predictable order.  As much a thinking game as it is slugging to get it done.  A constant series of questions we ask ourselves:  How do I make it better?  Make them happier?  Guide them in the right direction?  Keep it positive and inspiring?

 Outside these walls the world can knock you out repeatedly whether you are four or forty.  Bullies. Irate customers. Idiot drivers. The just plain rude.  Disappointment can reign sometimes out there- but at home it has no hold.   We plot against it here.  Fortify against frustrations.  Actively build each other up in a cocoon of safety, strength and respect.  The next time we head out the door we each take a little bit of home as the courage that beats within us.

Yet, it is only four walls and a roof.  It is pleasant, organized and comfortable.  It could

Summer Fun

use a new coat of paint.  No one is knocking from Architectural Digest to say, "Hey, can we do a photo shoot?"  Yet, it somehow, in it's simplicity, is an oasis. There is so much good here in this one small place on a very big planet that I bet it glows on google earth at night.   Like a star doused in fairy dust.